Forks In The Road

I should think that part of keeping America beautiful would be cleaning up after yourself. Leaving the world a little bit cleaner than you found it seems to be a novel idea, yet some people insist on leaving things lying around. Traveling the rather bumpy road of life is fraught with pot holes and detours...we all expect them and prepare the best we can. Once in a while we hit a fork in the road that some inconsiderate pain in the rump forgot to pick up. The end result?? Yep...you guessed it...a flat tire. Flat tires are aggravating and can take time to fix, however, with a little elbow grease they can be prepared and we are back on the road.

I hit a fork in the road the 1st of Feb when I ended up in the hospital undergoing emergency bowel surgery. With six kiddies to care for this was defiantly a flat tire moment. Worry and stress over the bills are just the beginning when you're flat on your back and have no income coming in. Worse than that, the worry of whether or not you will have a job when you get back. Still worse?? For me it was being back to work for a grand total of 4 days and having the health fairy come along and kick the proverbial crap out of me while I was down. The surgery was successful in fixing the bowel issue, yet left a small slow bleed and the doctors have been unable to determine the exact source so they can repair it... I am scared to death that I will leave my kids orphans and my nieces and nephew parent-less for a 2nd time. Add to that the worry of whether I will have a job to go back to makes it a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. Right now it's hard for me to see the forest for the trees.

To address the "fork in the road" issue I have learned that I have to make some heavy decisions. The doctors informed me that my health is not likely to improve in the near future. This is going to be a very long and painful road literally. It has been discussed at length that disability is an option that I have to seriously consider. It hurts my heart because I actually love to work. In truth I would make a phenomenal work-a-holic. There is also a pride issue when I look at things in an honest light. Disability makes sense so that I can get the help needed to make a full recovery, yet one can't support a 6 pack of offspring on the benefits provided by SSA.  Add to that the fact that I actually like my job. What happens if I can't get my job back when I make a full recovery? Employment is hard to come by in this economy, and I am so very fortunate to have one that pays well and has health insurance. If I am honest with myself, I have to ask myself how long I can maintain my job with my health being what it is. Will there come a day where my employer walks me out the door due to the health issues? Will it take longer to heal and make a full recovery if at all?? I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head and it just hurts all the time now. I am scared and frustrated and have no one whom I can confide in... It's late and tomorrow is a new day. Maybe a solution will present itself. For tonight the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to failure to pay. I hope that all of you are having a fantastic weekend. Take care of yourselves.
Good night and sweet dreams,
"Exhausted Mommy" in the Land of Confusion

Newspaper and Snow Angels

Children are the most creative creatures on the planet!!

Tumbled out of bed this morning to ready myself for another day in the trenches only to find a blanket of freaking snow on the ground. Grrr.....still not a fan of the snow. Late night with the kiddies and let me tell you...it was a chore just getting up. It's days like this that I want to snuggle under the blankets and watch the tv with 6 kiddies. Shoveling snow off the driveway and the car is not enjoyment to me :p

When I walked out the door to my car I got the biggest shock! There was newspaper all over the windows of my car and someone had shoveled the driveway behind the car. Upon further inspection I noticed hearts drawn into the snow on my driver side window and the words "We Love You". On the un-shoveled portion of the driveway, 5 and a half snow angels plain as day imprinted in the white fluff. Lord in heaven I love my teenage daughters and my nieces and nephew...

My surprise was renewed when I removed the newspaper to discover that I didn't have to scrape the windshield. The paper had protected it from the snow and ice. WOW!!! When I talked to them on break they were soooooooo excited to find out it had worked. "It's something daddy taught us" they chirped in my ear. God love my brother...he's been gone a year and still watches over our family. Our mighty protector above...

I love you brother....

12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 1 birthday, 1 anniversary, every holiday in a calendar year and 1 super bowl.

♫♪ "Made a wrong turn once or twice, Dug my way out, blood and fire, Bad decisions, that's alright, Welcome to my silly life..."♪♫  

Around and around in my head the lyrics roll..."Why is my pillow so wet?"  

♪♫Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, Miss knowing it's all good, It didn't slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing, Underestimated, look I'm still around♪♫♪

It took me a few seconds to realize that the saltwater on my pillow were yet again...my own tears. I fumbled around for my shoe to once again throw at my evil little alarm clock. "Why in the eternal pits of hell does that flipping thing have to torment me so?!?!?!"

♪♫♪♪Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel, Like your less then f**king perfect. Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel, Like you're nothing, you're f**king perfect to me♪♪

Eyes shut, I lean across the empty void to hit snooze and fall heavy back into the comfort of my pillow. Why does it still sting so bad?? It's been a year since that horrible day and you would think that it wouldn't hurt as bad as it did in the beginning... I thought time heals all wounds?? I am starting to believe that whoever uttered those words is a dirty little liar!! Am I more hurt or angry or guilty that I couldn't see the signs and stop the chain of events that have been falling like dominoes in our lives since that fateful day??? I don't even know what I feel anymore...well...empty is the only emotion I am sure of. 

♪♪Your's so mean when you talk, About yourself. You were wrong. Change the voices in your head, Make them like you instead.♫♪

Seriously?!?! How long is this stupid flipping song??? Again, I fumble around for the snooze button. Ahhh....the silence is golden until the voices in my head start buzzing again. Some days I'd like to poke my brain with a ruddy q-tip just to shut them the hell up. The constant chatter is enough to drive me around the bend most days.  

♪♫Feeling claustrophobic, Like the walls are closing in, Blood stains on my hands and I don't know where I've been. I'm in trouble for the things I haven't got to yet. I'm sharpening the axe, and my Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets...Well, me ... It's nice talking to myself, A credit to dementia. Some day you too will know my pain, and smile its black tooth grin. If the war inside my head won't take a day off I'll be dead. My icy fingers claw your back, Here I come again.♫♪

As the lyrics roll into my ears I don't know whether to laugh or cry. How totally ironic. If I had to choose a theme song for the day this would have to be it. (I have always been a sucker for Dave, his voice and his rear-end.) HA! Oh well, SCREW...I'm up now, and I have learned that if you hit snooze more than twice you'll be late. Lord knows I can't afford that today as there's way too much to do. God in heaven please give me strength. Swinging my legs over the side of my bed I feel a sharp pain steal up my shin. Dammit!! Every morning I hit my baby toe on the cedar chest adjacent my bed. Every morning a slew of obscenities escapes my mouth and I promise my toes "I'll move it tonight after work." That's a laugh and a lie...I won't have time after my growing list of family responsibility... My toes will have to remain a casualty in the war zone my life has become.

Coffee, coffee, and still more coffee. Maybe I could just patten a device that constantly administers the java into my blood stream. It would save me 10 trips to the coffee pot every morning while I get ready for work.  I am finally out the door. Coffee? check Keys? check Work ID? check check Lump in my throat? yup...still there. Our tiny city is a ghost town at 4in the morning. The silence is almost deafening. As I pull out onto the highway the only movements visible are the branches of the trees swaying in the wind. It's bone chilling cold this morning. I hate winter...

♪♫Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep. Singin' sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:" Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh! Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!" Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry! "'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."♫♪

My blinker is keeping time with the lyrics escaping my stereo speakers... As my car rolls to a stop in the tiny cemetery, I lean my head back fighting a wall of tears ready to breach my tired eye lids. I have always thought Bob to be a wise and prophetic man, yet in moments like this I have to wonder if he knew what he was talking about at all. I can't help but to wonder if the radio is trying to tell me something. It seems strange that the songs seem to be so fitting for my mood on a morning like this... A wave of nausea overtakes me as I open the car door. The nipping cold is a welcome relief and I am able to keep myself from being sick. I clear the snow from the headstone and lay the Mt. Dew bottle just within reach. My weekly ritual had passed into a monthly one as a way of forcing myself to start letting go. Healing process?? I'm not sure, but it makes sense amid the chaos. It's been a year since he put the revolver to the side of his head.  Maybe it's time to visit only on holidays and birthdays? Who knows...I don't.  “You know brother, that shit will clog your arteries and give you cancer...pop is nasty Mr. Gross Azz.” I half smile to myself as the mental picture of my brother sticking his tongue out at me plays through. He was an addict to the Dew like I am to the java...what a pair of misfits we were...

12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 1 birthday, 1 anniversary, every holiday in a calendar year and 1 super bowl. Our family has survived them all, yet there's still an eternal bottomless void of anger and hurt. My sister & their 3 children are still without their husband & daddy. My mother & father, other sisters, myself  and our kids and his other wonderful family members are still without a son, brother and uncle. 

♪♫♪♪Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"? It's only half past the point of no return, The tip of the iceberg, The sun before the burn, The thunder before the lightning, The breath before the phrase, Have you ever felt this way? ♪♪♫

Geez!! Really?!?! I am positive the radio is f**king with me right now...is it a block of Pink songs this morning? Unable to fight anymore the levy breaks behind my eye lids and releases a flood of tears and emotion. Rage, anger, guilt, hurt, sorrow, pain & disbelief whirl around me.  I can hear screaming and yelling, such anger and rage...where is it coming from?? I feel so dizzy...

“Selfish, f**ing, f**ing selfish!!! Didn't you know how much we loved and needed you? Didn't you realize that you were the f**ing glue holding our family together? Didn't you realize that our family wasn't complete until my sister had the good sense to bring you home??? Didn't you know that she wasn't whole until she married you?? The perfect example of a married couple?? One we all admired and hoped to have one day for ourselves?? The good example, mentor, protector, clown, joker, our funny man! The brat at dinner, spoiled as hell because mama made you your very own salad without onions because you were such a big baby and couldn't just pick out the damn onions. The man we respected, looked up to and admired? The man who loved his God, Country and family more than anything on earth. The man who would give a complete stranger the shirt off his back if they needed it. The man that my other sisters and I looked up to and prayed they didn't break the mold when they made you. If we married men half as good as you we were spoiled for life!! Your children and your nieces and nephews biggest partner in crime? The cookie sneaker, fort building, mud puddle splashing playmate. My biggest pain in the ass, nagging me about settling down and letting a good man into my life even though I told you I was happy on my own and didn't need a man, my sport watching buddy huddled together in front of the tv on any given holiday watching whatever game we could find, my conscience, confidant, my best friend, my brother... we told each other everything...why couldn't you tell me how bad you were hurting?? I feel so angry at myself for not being able to help you...I hate myself so bad!!! Why??? Why??? Why???”

I open my eyes, I can't feel my limbs...WTF??? how long have I been laying here?? Shit, what time is it? Did I fall asleep? I'm late! What's that??? Oh damn, where is all this blood coming from? I scamper from the ground only to discover that the crimson trail has followed with me. The searing pain erupts without warning the second I look down to discover that my fists are raw from slamming the cold headstone. I am covered in a warm sticky mess. Dammit, I can't go to work looking like this... Barely able to hear myself over the wind I whisper to my brother... “sleep well...see you soon.”

                                                                                       ***

Home, exhausted, look like I have committed a crime punishable by death if convicted, I am an emotional wreck. Work will have to wait till tomorrow... 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 1 birthday, 1 anniversary, every holiday in a calendar year and 1 super bowl. Our family has survived them all, yet there's still an eternal bottomless void of anger and hurt. Maybe tomorrow will be better??