Forks In The Road

I should think that part of keeping America beautiful would be cleaning up after yourself. Leaving the world a little bit cleaner than you found it seems to be a novel idea, yet some people insist on leaving things lying around. Traveling the rather bumpy road of life is fraught with pot holes and detours...we all expect them and prepare the best we can. Once in a while we hit a fork in the road that some inconsiderate pain in the rump forgot to pick up. The end result?? Yep...you guessed it...a flat tire. Flat tires are aggravating and can take time to fix, however, with a little elbow grease they can be prepared and we are back on the road.

I hit a fork in the road the 1st of Feb when I ended up in the hospital undergoing emergency bowel surgery. With six kiddies to care for this was defiantly a flat tire moment. Worry and stress over the bills are just the beginning when you're flat on your back and have no income coming in. Worse than that, the worry of whether or not you will have a job when you get back. Still worse?? For me it was being back to work for a grand total of 4 days and having the health fairy come along and kick the proverbial crap out of me while I was down. The surgery was successful in fixing the bowel issue, yet left a small slow bleed and the doctors have been unable to determine the exact source so they can repair it... I am scared to death that I will leave my kids orphans and my nieces and nephew parent-less for a 2nd time. Add to that the worry of whether I will have a job to go back to makes it a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. Right now it's hard for me to see the forest for the trees.

To address the "fork in the road" issue I have learned that I have to make some heavy decisions. The doctors informed me that my health is not likely to improve in the near future. This is going to be a very long and painful road literally. It has been discussed at length that disability is an option that I have to seriously consider. It hurts my heart because I actually love to work. In truth I would make a phenomenal work-a-holic. There is also a pride issue when I look at things in an honest light. Disability makes sense so that I can get the help needed to make a full recovery, yet one can't support a 6 pack of offspring on the benefits provided by SSA.  Add to that the fact that I actually like my job. What happens if I can't get my job back when I make a full recovery? Employment is hard to come by in this economy, and I am so very fortunate to have one that pays well and has health insurance. If I am honest with myself, I have to ask myself how long I can maintain my job with my health being what it is. Will there come a day where my employer walks me out the door due to the health issues? Will it take longer to heal and make a full recovery if at all?? I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head and it just hurts all the time now. I am scared and frustrated and have no one whom I can confide in... It's late and tomorrow is a new day. Maybe a solution will present itself. For tonight the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to failure to pay. I hope that all of you are having a fantastic weekend. Take care of yourselves.
Good night and sweet dreams,
"Exhausted Mommy" in the Land of Confusion